hiester.com

How can you tell that someone is a xenophobe? If they begin a column with the words, “I’m no xenophobe,”  that’s a pretty good sign. The lawyer Michael Smerconish thinks he can preempt his critics. Smerconish has written an incredibly uninformed, offensive column about immigration in a recent Philadelphia Inquirer (“What we lose now that newcomers don’t assimilate“)
This is the letter to the editor that I sent to the Inquirer in response (they didn’t publish it):

Dear Myron Smearcornish,

I read your column “What we lose now that newcomers don’t assimilate”
and I couldn’t agree more! I mean, look at that guy Alberto Gonzalez.
He goes and becomes Attorney General of the United States of America
and he still won’t assimilate! I called him Al once and he got all
matador on me. It drives me nuts! How am I supposed to know if I’m
being indicted when the lousy Federal subpoenas arrive written in
Spanish?

And that Senator from Florida, what’s his name? Melquiades Rafael
Martinez. He’s the King of NOT ASSIMILATING. He won’t even change his
name to Melvin! Or Merv, for that matter.

These Gonzalezes and Martinezes are illegally pouring over the border,
taking top spots in the Republican Party, then hogging up all the top
spots in the Most Popular Surnames in the Census…where will it end?
Just last week I was in a restaurant eating some broccoli that was
picked by an illegal immigrant who, as you say, is not a legitimate, moving part of
the economy, and I noticed a spot on my spoon. Imagine how furious I
was that the illegal immigrant dishwasher, who is also not a
legitimate moving part of the economy, couldn’t do his job right! The
guy probably lives in a shack with 27 of his illegal, illegitimate
non-moving parts of the economy relatives. Why can’t they just
assimilate and live in a nice 14-bedroom McMansion with a five-car
garage, like the ones you and I live in out on the Main Line? I just don’t get
these people, Mickey S’morecrohnsitch!

I think it’s important to look at history for some perspective. Those
Hispanic names, I learned from Wikipedia, are actually from Spain! Who
would have guessed? They’re European names. And get this, Mordechai
Smarmoconiferish, the Queen of Spain was the one who sent Christopher
Columbus over here in 1492! Those Hispanics have been illegally
sneaking into our country for over 500 years! It all started with that
Columbus guy. He just would not assimilate. I guess I can’t blame him.
Iroquois is a pretty difficult language to learn, unless of course you
have an Haudenosaunee nanny teaching you from the cradle.

You have taught me an important lesson, Milton Snarlcrayfish.
Assimilation is the responsibility of each and every one of us. I was
in the silly habit of stopping in every morning at a little Italian
bakery in my neighborhood for a loaf of bread. But after reading your column, I got in my SUV and drove to Sam’s Club to buy a case of Wonder Bread, just like
my grandmother did. That’s what real assimilated Americans do.

Sincerely,

Chris Hiester