fake &humor &politics &satire 13 Nov 2008 05:32 pm
Paulson Acknowledges that $700 billion not used to buy toxic assets, but will be used exclusively to send executives on expensive retreats at snooty resorts
Not quite, but close enough.
Step right up! Step right up for some of P.T. Paulson’s magical elixir. It cures sluggish lending, bad debts, economic constipation, why it even pulls the tractor trailers right up to the back gate of the Treasury so we can clear it out by January 20th, 2009 when those other suckers get to take over this lousy job. Get ‘em while they’re hot boys! $10 billion here! $20 billion there! Banks, insurance companies, car companies, who cares? You’re the CEO of Carpeteria? Well, all those folks who didn’t make their mortgage payments, but will still get to stay in their homes anyway–they are going to need new carpets sooner or later. We don’t want you to have an inventory crisis! Here’s $20 billion, how’ll that hold ya? It’s almost Christmas folks. Uncle Henry has got a little something for the stocking this year. How about $10 billion. That should let you take your gal out to a nice dinner and take in a movie, eh?
What’s this? Mayors looking to me for handouts? So they can fix some bridges and roads and hospitals? Look, buddy, why don’t you go talk to a bank about taking out a loan for that type of thing. Can’t you just float a bond? Do you think I’m a miracle worker just because I have $700 billion to blow in less than two months and I can blow it any way I want? My banker friends have to earn a living. How are they gonna keep their private jets flying when troublemakers like you want to butt in and take away their livelihood?