hiester.com

Ticketmaster today announced new charges that it will be adding to its current “convenience charges” and “processing fees” to boost revenue for the company. Ticketmaster Vice President for Shellacking Benjamin Dover said, “We are constantly amazed at how willing our customers are to pay even the most nonsensical fees that are tacked on to the ticket price. We figured we would just keep adding them until there was some type of resistance, but so far we haven’t seen any.” Here is the list of new Ticketmaster fees and charges:

• Because it is [insert day of week] charge, that’s our favorite day of the week: $2.50
• Oxygen fee: $1.00
• Upholstery maintenance charge: $5.50
• Inconvenience charge (to balance the convenience charge) : 20% of ticket price
• “You should be lucky we even let you through the door” fee: $4.00
• “…and the horse you rode in on” charge: $18.00
• “You’ll have to get a job as an evening greeter at Wal-Mart just to pay the interest” fee: $27.00
• “Invisible force field that prevents hot liquid molten rock or comet dust from showering down on your head during the show” charge: $14.00
• Abraham Lincoln fee: $5.01
• Gravity insurance charge: $1.50
• pre-processing fee: $8.00
• post-processing fee: $12.00
• talent surcharge (pays the actual performers):$0.02