hiester.com

Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb missed practice today due to inflammation of his right ankle and right thumb as well as atrophy of his Trade Value. McNabb is focusing on rehabilitating his shrinking Trade Value by resting and playing only against teams with weak defenses. “Look, you get two interceptions in a game and the owners in Chicago and Minnesota starting having second thoughts,” McNabb said. “I need to walk that fine line between playing enough to keep my numbers up and keeping my injuries and interceptions down. Minor injuries that swell up and down at conveniently random intervals allow me to optimally regulate my Trade Value.”

Head Coach/Vice President of Football Operations/Minister of Information Andy Reid cited remarkably similar sentiments about McNabb’s injury status. Reid told reporters at his Wednesday news conference, “Look (throat-clearing), uh, we could just release Donovan (throat-clearing), uh, at the end of the season and let him sign wherever he (throat-clearing), uh, wants, but why not keep him healthy and get some value (throat-clearing), uh,  for him? It would be a good (throat-clearing), uh, opportunity for us to ignore our weakness at the (throat-clearing), uh, linebacker position. If a guy goes out and throws four touchdown passes, then the other owners (throat-clearing), uh, will sit up and pay attention and maybe (throat-clearing), uh, pick up that $100 million contract and we’ll get an extra draft pick to screw up (throat-clearing)(another throat-clearing). When Donovan hits the two-interception mark, it’s like when they stop trading on the New York Stock Exchange to (throat-clearing), uh, avoid a crash. We’re getting him out of the game in a way that minimizes the damage to his Trade Value. The nice thing about having two different minor injuries is that you can pick either one and you can switch from one day to the next. I just wish Donovan would study the media spin playbook a little more. I told him ‘Tuesday it’s the thumb, Wednesday it’s the ankle’, but he got it mixed up. That’s what he gets for hiring that PR guy that we canned last spring. Time’s yours.”

Birdseed: Reid’s royalty deal with Pro Sound Effects pays him the SAG minimum for each high-fidelity, “right-into-the-microphone” throat-clearing, also known as his exolabiodental fricative clause. Actually, I just wanted an excuse to write “exolabiodental fricative.”