commentary &humor &satire &work 07 Nov 2007 05:14 pm
Decoding craigslist jobs/gigs ads
| Phrase | Translation |
|---|---|
| “Students welcome to apply” | We are cheap bastards |
| “Could lead to more work in the future” | We’re like Wimpy on the old Popeye cartoons, “I would gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.” In other words, we are cheap bastards and there will only be more work if we can get you to work for chump change just like you did on this job, sucker.” |
| “We’re looking for a Rock Star/God/Super Genius” | We are blowhard idiots who don’t have any money and we have delusions that some incredibly talented person with no self-esteem will come and do all the work for peanuts and make us rich. Until then, we are cheap bastards. |
| “We want a clone of MySpace/YouTube, etc. Compensation: $100″ | We took the brown acid at Woodstock and we haven’t come down yet. And besides, we are cheap bastards. |
| “We want someone who goes into a rage like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet at the mere mention of HTML tables.” | We read this on a blog and we don’t really know what it means or why it is important. |
| “Must be expert in Java, .NET, PHP, Oracle, MySQL, CSS, Flash, Photoshop, SAS, FORTRAN, Quark,COBOL, C,C++, and Dreamweaver. Knowledge of Excel and VRML are big pluses.” | We know nothing about technology, especially what technology is being used on this project and we just cobbled together some acronyms and words that ten different “tech guys” that we know sent us. |
| “Award-winning agency” | We made up our own contest and proclaimed ourselves the winner. Our moms were the judges. We want you to feel like it’s a privelege to work 12 hour days here for less than it costs to rent a dumpster because we are, after all, cheap bastards. |
| “Must be able to meet tight deadlines” | We lied to our client about what the project could do and now you have to pull three consecutive all-nighters to cover our asses. We’re not paying you overtime either because we’re cheap bastards. |
| Looking for self-starter who is also a team player | We have a lot of horrible legacy spaghetti code and some of it was written by people who still work here. You have to fix it and try to get along with the colleagues who are responsible for making your job a waking nightmare |