hiester.com

Citigroup wishes to thank all of the suckers who allowed us to hoodwink them in 2009. You can be reassured that the Citi executive team will have a relaxing holiday now that our huge bonuses have been restored. We’re also grateful to the IRS for the $38 billion tax break. We’re committed to finding new frontiers in the reckless exotic investment arena. So enjoy a glass of bubbly on New Year’s Eve, then let’s make some new bubbles!

In the latest salvo in the Verizon vs. AT&T map wars, Verizon says it will change its name to Uchitel. Verizon executives deny that the name change is in any way connected to AT&T pitch man Tiger Woods’ alleged affair with a woman named Jaimee Grubbs.

By now, you’ve probably been exposed to IBM’s ad campaign, “Let’s Build a Smarter Planet Together.”

Naturally, such a bold proposition invites a few questions.

1. Forget for a moment about building a “smarter” planet. How does one build a planet at all? Where would you put it. There’s only one ideal place for a planet that can support life that we’ve been able to find and it’s currently occupied.
2. How big will this planet be? If it’s going to be anywhere the size of Earth, then where does IBM plan on getting the materials? Is there a Planet Depot out there somewhere?  And what’s the construction process? How do you keep the molten core from cooling off while you wrap it in the mantle, crust, etc. ? Where do you get the water? How about all the minerals? While they’re building it and it’s getting bigger, its gravitational force will increase. But in the early phases, how do you prevent the bulldozers from just floating into space?
3. There are, of course, various theories about how our current planet was “built.” Some believe it was just a random lucky set of conditions–a cosmic lottery winner. You have just the right temperature range, water, evolution and BAM! next thing you know Times Square appears. Others believe that the Earth was created by God (or Gods or Deities of one sort or another). I realize that this is a gross simplification–there are countless faiths each with their own cosmological story–but for now let’s just classify them as the “not random” school. Either way, the challenges to IBM are mind-blowing. Does IBM think it can replicate the perfect conditions for life; can it guess a lottery number whose odds are 999 million-gazillion-squllion-to-one? Does it have billions of years to tinker with the conditions until it gets them right and single-celled protozoa materialize out of a bolt of lightning? Or does IBM think it can pull this off with the same speed and ease as beating Garry Kasparov in a chess match?  What’s more of a concern: Does IBM think it is God (or a Deity or Gods)? Will IBM build this planet in six days? They usually take six months just to write a requirements document for a relatively simple thing like an ecommerce web site.
4. Who will govern this planet? If IBM builds a new planet, is it still also an earth-based corporation? Will it pay taxes on income from this new planet? How about all these mid-sized business that IBM says are the “engines” of this new planet?
5. Will this new planet have a new ozone layer with no holes in it?
6. Who will be allowed to immigrate to this new “smarter” planet? Will there be a test? If Jerry Springer somehow gets in, isn’t that going to ruin everything?
7. Is IBM saying the Earth is stupid?

Not quite, but  close enough.

Step right up! Step right up for some of P.T. Paulson’s magical elixir. It cures sluggish lending, bad debts, economic constipation, why it even pulls the tractor trailers right up to the back gate of the Treasury so we can clear it out by January 20th, 2009 when those other suckers get to take over this lousy job. Get ‘em while they’re hot boys! $10 billion here! $20 billion there! Banks, insurance companies, car companies, who cares?  You’re the CEO of Carpeteria? Well, all those folks who didn’t make their mortgage payments, but will still get to stay in their homes anyway–they are going to need new carpets sooner or later. We don’t want you to have an inventory crisis! Here’s $20 billion, how’ll that hold ya? It’s almost Christmas folks. Uncle Henry has got a little something for the stocking this year. How about $10 billion. That should let you take your gal out to a nice dinner and take in a movie, eh?

What’s this? Mayors looking to me for handouts?  So they can fix some bridges and roads and hospitals? Look, buddy, why don’t you go talk to a bank about taking out a loan for that type of thing. Can’t you just float a bond? Do you think I’m a miracle worker just because I have $700 billion to blow in less than two months and I can blow it any way I want?  My banker friends have to earn a living. How are they gonna keep their private jets flying when troublemakers like you want to butt in and take away their livelihood?

Incidentally, in case anyone interprets this as support for McCain/Palin, know this: I would sooner have my head chewed off by a gila monster than vote for McCain. I’m voting for Obama. I’m pissed off that he voted for that crazy unconstitutional FISA bill, but I also realize that he is doing what he needs to do politically to win. He said he was going to take his lumps for that vote, and I’m giving him his lumps. And while I think Biden will be a competent VP and has strong and well-earned foreign policy credentials, I also find him to be something of a blowhard and I really do think he is looking like that strange Agnew-Byrd morph.

It will be curious to see if President Obama is willing to give up any of the “unitary executive” power grabs that the Bush Administration has taken for the past 8 years. My guess is that he’ll keep as much power as possible in the executive branch. He’s never going to say, “Now that I’m the executive-in-chief, I’m going to reduce the power of the executive branch.”  That’s just the nature of Presidents. Some of it will also be payback.

Of Obama’s acceptance speech, Rove said he thought it was underwhelming given the venue. “I think that this was a speech that was not worthy of the venue, and an eminently memorable venue with an eminently forgettable speech,” said Rove.

I think that [Bush's] was a [presidency] that was not worthy of the venue, and an eminently memorable venue [The White House] with an eminently [disgraceful presidency].