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Archive for the 'humor' Category

Obama Finally Weighs in on the Worst College Football Playoff Crisis in the Last 75 Years

Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

A new Quinnipiac poll indicates that Americans view these topics as priorities for the President-Elect:

  1. Fixing the BCS and instituting a playoff system
  2. Clarifying what constitutes and illegal forward pass in NCAA football
  3. The Economy
  4. Adding 5 yards to the coaches boxes in college football
  5. Iraq

Ailing American Bicycle Industry Demands a Piece of the Bailout Pie

Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

Big Three Automakers Merge: New Company will be called General Crisis

Monday, November 17th, 2008

Their first model is the Lame Duck.

Paulson Acknowledges that $700 billion not used to buy toxic assets, but will be used exclusively to send executives on expensive retreats at snooty resorts

Thursday, November 13th, 2008

Not quite, but  close enough.

Step right up! Step right up for some of P.T. Paulson’s magical elixir. It cures sluggish lending, bad debts, economic constipation, why it even pulls the tractor trailers right up to the back gate of the Treasury so we can clear it out by January 20th, 2009 when those other suckers get to take over this lousy job. Get ‘em while they’re hot boys! $10 billion here! $20 billion there! Banks, insurance companies, car companies, who cares?  You’re the CEO of Carpeteria? Well, all those folks who didn’t make their mortgage payments, but will still get to stay in their homes anyway–they are going to need new carpets sooner or later. We don’t want you to have an inventory crisis! Here’s $20 billion, how’ll that hold ya? It’s almost Christmas folks. Uncle Henry has got a little something for the stocking this year. How about $10 billion. That should let you take your gal out to a nice dinner and take in a movie, eh?

What’s this? Mayors looking to me for handouts?  So they can fix some bridges and roads and hospitals? Look, buddy, why don’t you go talk to a bank about taking out a loan for that type of thing. Can’t you just float a bond? Do you think I’m a miracle worker just because I have $700 billion to blow in less than two months and I can blow it any way I want?  My banker friends have to earn a living. How are they gonna keep their private jets flying when troublemakers like you want to butt in and take away their livelihood?

My Latest Invention: A Car that Runs on Soiled Diapers and Leftover Halloween Candy

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008

Version 2.0 will add turkey drumsticks and fruitcake.

New Bailout Provision Requires Participating Bank CEO’s to Move Into FEMA Trailers Until Funds are Repaid in Full

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008

In Nod to History, Philly Sports Complex Renamed CoreFUWachFargoNoCountryForOldMenLindrosIverson Center

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008

Freefalling Price of Personal Seat Licenses at Mets New Stadium Knocks 777 Points off the Dow

Monday, September 29th, 2008

Dow graph/photo

My Chumby got Rickrolled! Oh, wait, it was just a bad dream

Friday, September 26th, 2008

Is it me or is Joe Biden starting to look like a cross between Spiro Agnew and Robert Byrd?

Friday, September 19th, 2008

Joe Biden

Incidentally, in case anyone interprets this as support for McCain/Palin, know this: I would sooner have my head chewed off by a gila monster than vote for McCain. I’m voting for Obama. I’m pissed off that he voted for that crazy unconstitutional FISA bill, but I also realize that he is doing what he needs to do politically to win. He said he was going to take his lumps for that vote, and I’m giving him his lumps. And while I think Biden will be a competent VP and has strong and well-earned foreign policy credentials, I also find him to be something of a blowhard and I really do think he is looking like that strange Agnew-Byrd morph.

It will be curious to see if President Obama is willing to give up any of the “unitary executive” power grabs that the Bush Administration has taken for the past 8 years. My guess is that he’ll keep as much power as possible in the executive branch. He’s never going to say, “Now that I’m the executive-in-chief, I’m going to reduce the power of the executive branch.”  That’s just the nature of Presidents. Some of it will also be payback.