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• The diamond-studded robotic hands-free dental flosser! Water and shock resistant to 4000 meters! Swiss precision! Perfect for that special someone who works for a hedge fund and eats too many Doritos! Fly fishing attachment available only while supplies last!
• Breastmilk pump with GPS navigator! Digital harmonica and Bob Dylan-autographed neck mount included! Folds and stores in tasteful and environmentally friendly hemp-lined shedded-yak-fur carrying case! There is no better way to show your love!
• How can you express your deepest feelings for all that you have been through together? How about a hand-carved oak billiards table with built-in lighted storage bin for power tools? Pockets automatically send Twitter trash-talk messages to your entire social network when you make shots that involve two or more bumpers! Includes HD and Satellite radio receivers that connect with your home theater or 200GB tennis bracelet/MP3 player at a distance of up to 17 miles using Bluetooth Hyperbolic Technology! Heat-sensing safety billiards balls deploy tiny goose down-lined airbags before striking human flesh (or toppling warm drinks served in optional matching platinum and rosewood chai latte mugs)! Retina-scanning chalk protects you from sharks!
• It may look like just another 332-piece silverware set, but look again! Each tine in the salad fork houses a 28-megapixel digital camera with dual image and custard-stabilization. Voice-activated butter knife unleashes intelligent nanobots that will thrill your dinner guests. Dress them each in full SCUBA gear—before they know what hit them—in under three seconds! Project a holographic time-lapse reenactment of the Deep Blue vs. Garry Kasparov chess match onto a glistening turkey or aspic-covered ham!
• The portable stadium luxury box! Fully detachable crystal-walled unit hovers inches above the players’ heads thanks to its roof-mounted AV-8B Harrier II short-takeoff vertical landing (STOVL) rotorcraft transporter. Stealth force-field technology ensures that errant balls and pucks are diverted into the cheap seats. Putting greens, on-site concierge/bookmaker, twelve 108-inch rear-projection plasma flat-screens (including two in the marble-tiled lavatory), licensed hypno-pedicure counselor and live Renaissance music ensemble ensure that your clients are satisifed even if they are Prius-driving wine snobs! Pets welcome!
• The Anderson Cooper video humidor! Lift the lid to take out a perfectly preserved stogie and the 2160p DLP screen on the underside of the lid plays a personal greeting from the CNN host followed by one of 365 heart-wrenching journalistic tours-de-force that will make your smoke all the more meaningful. Order now and receive the Larry King commemorative gold coin and cuff link set absolutely free! And remember, if you are not fully satisfied, return the video humidor for a full refund, but please, keep the Larry King commemorative gold coin and cuff link set as our gift to you!

Procter & Gamble today announced a new ad campaign to complement its GILLETTE CHAMPIONS series. The new GILLETTE CHEATERS ads will feature Barry Bonds, Tim Donaghy and Bill Belichick.

Here’s a sample from the upcoming TV ads which will debut this Sunday on the jumbotron at GILLETTE CHEATERS Stadium in Foxboro, MA.

Bill Belichick is hacking the sleeves off of his hooded sweatshirt with a new GILLETTE CORRUPTION razor.

BELICHICK: I never think about last week. I’ve moved on. The only crime is getting caught and I guarantee THAT will never happen again.

(Alternate concept: Belichick is shaving his assistant Matt “Shooting Star” Estrella).

BONDS: I can’t recall the past, today is all that matters. My beach-ball-sized head shines brighter than the Alcatraz beacon when I shave it with a GILLETTE CORRUPTION razor.

DONAGHY: Whether shaving my beard or shaving points, I only use the best, or at least the best I can get in prison.

Hooded sweatshirt you bought at a thrift shop 15 years ago: $3

Scissors to cut off sleeves at the forearm: $8

Hi-Def Video Camera: $45,000

Hi-Def Telephoto Lens: $38,000

Getting caught cheating, losing all of your credibility as a coach, locking yourself out of any chance at election to the Hall of Fame, calling into question three Super Bowl victories, giving the fans of the 31 other NFL teams a legitimate and justifiable reason for hating you, Becoming a “sign of the times”; a symbol for a society that puts winning and dominating above everything, even if it means cheating, doping, subverting laws and the constitution, lying, etc. : Priceless

Way to go, Bill.

Here’s a little Philly sports post. For those of you who are not familiar, the Eagles signed an Australian Rules Football player named Sav Rocca to try out for the position of punter. Rocca is competing against Eagles incumbent punter Dirk Johnson, who is a veteran, but is aging and has been beset by injuries in recent years. Rocca is a big guy who booms 60-yard punts. Rocca would also have to serve as the holder for the kicker during field goals and extra points, something he has never done before. Dirk Johnson is an experienced holder. Rocca been struggling to get it right in the pre-season. Former Eagle and TV broadcaster Ike Reese can’t let go of the one time Rocca didn’t spin the ball and left the laces facing the kicker David Akers. Kicking the ball on the laces can potentially hurt the kick’s accuracy and probably doesn’t feel too good on the kicker’s foot. Akers made that field goal anyway.Keeping all that in mind, here’s my idea for a TV commercial in the event that Rocca wins the job.

TITLE: “Hands” Training

DAVID AKERS: Hi, I’m David Akers and this is Sav Rocca, my new holder this year. Now Sav has had some trouble with his holding skills, so I thought I would take him out for a little extra training to improve his manual dexterity.

Cut to an operating room. Akers and Rocca are dressed in scrubs with the big hooded high-tech surgical headgear and the full-face clear polycarbonate masks. They are surrounded by a large surgical team and dozens of beeping machines and screens. A neurosurgeon is instructing Rocca, who is performing brain surgery on a patient. (Maybe this commercial could be sponsored by Jefferson Hospital)

BRAIN SURGEON: OK, Sav, keep cutting along the lateral sulcus and be sure not to lacerate the temporal lobe.

Rocca looks terrified. Akers looks on smiling.

AKERS: Atta boy, Sav!

Cut to Rocca in a tuxedo holding a baton, standing on the conductor’s platform in front of the Philadelphia Orchestra. Akers and a well-known conductor (maybe Charles Dutoit or Jennifer Higdon or Simon Rattle) are standing behind Sav who is conducting while the orchestra plays. Sav gestures with the baton to his right. The conductor stops him and halts the orchestra.

CONDUCTOR: No, no, no, Sav. That motion is for fortissimo! This passage is to be played mezzo forte! Lighter on the baton. Try again.

AKERS (whispering): Mezzo forte, Sav. Come on, man. I know you can do it.

Akers claps a few times quietly pats Sav on the back.

Cut to Le Bec Fin restaurant. Long snapper Jon Dorenbos sits across the table from Sav, who is sitting perpendicular to the table with Akers seated behind him (as they would be positioned for kicking a field goal). Akers has a napkin tucked into his collar as a bib and it has visible soup stains on it from recent spills. Dorenbos dips a spoon into a bowl of soup and passes the full spoon across the table to Sav. Sav turns and spoons the soup into Akers mouth.

AKERS: That one was perfect! Sav, you’re really coming along.

George Perrier walks up and asks how everything is.

AKERS: George, the consommé is particularly tasty this evening.

Cut to a busy night club. A voluptuous waitress in short shorts and a halter top is standing with her long legs straddling a large bucket full of beer on ice. She bends over and pulls out a bottle, then she swivels her head and her long hair flies to the other side. She looks back excitedly at Sav, who is standing 10 feet behind her.

WAITRESS: Ready?

Sav nods approval. Akers looks on from behind Sav, grinning. The waitress bends over and long-snaps the bottle to Sav. Sav expertly snares the bottle with one hand and in a flash he twists off the cap and hands it to Akers. Akers smiles broadly.

AKERS: Whoa!

Akers motions to the crowd in the club.

AKERS: Hey, why don’t you guys try it?

The waitress begins snapping one beer after another in rapid fire succession. Faster and faster. Sav handles each one, opens it and hands it to another club patron. No matter how fast she snaps them, Sav handles them with increasing ease. He cracks a little smile and then shows a “ho-hum” expression, proving that he has mastered this. (Maybe this commercial is sponsored by one of the beer companies?)

AKERS: Sav, I think you got it. I hope you’ll remember this feeling when we’re in sudden death overtime against the Cowboys!

Some kind of upbeat rock music comes up with a crane shot of the club patrons dancing wildly on the dance floor and the club going into full party mode. The sponsor’s logo come up. (Maybe it’s just an Eagles commercial promoting the upcoming season? Maybe it’s an NFL ad–though I doubt they would have beer in their ad, despite the gazillions of $ they make off of beer–hypocrites. Maybe they’re bottles of Diet Pepsi.).

© Copyright 2007 Chris Hiester. All Rights Reserved.

[UPDATE: Rocca won the punter job! Ad agencies are on my agent like a suit from Krass Brothers to option this script. And I don't even have an agent.

Why is nobody asking why Rocca MUST be the holder? How about someone from the "hands team" that lines up when the opponents attempt an onside kick? How about a backup wide receiver for holder?]