hiester.com

Citigroup wishes to thank all of the suckers who allowed us to hoodwink them in 2009. You can be reassured that the Citi executive team will have a relaxing holiday now that our huge bonuses have been restored. We’re also grateful to the IRS for the $38 billion tax break. We’re committed to finding new frontiers in the reckless exotic investment arena. So enjoy a glass of bubbly on New Year’s Eve, then let’s make some new bubbles!

By now, you’ve probably been exposed to IBM’s ad campaign, “Let’s Build a Smarter Planet Together.”

Naturally, such a bold proposition invites a few questions.

1. Forget for a moment about building a “smarter” planet. How does one build a planet at all? Where would you put it. There’s only one ideal place for a planet that can support life that we’ve been able to find and it’s currently occupied.
2. How big will this planet be? If it’s going to be anywhere the size of Earth, then where does IBM plan on getting the materials? Is there a Planet Depot out there somewhere?  And what’s the construction process? How do you keep the molten core from cooling off while you wrap it in the mantle, crust, etc. ? Where do you get the water? How about all the minerals? While they’re building it and it’s getting bigger, its gravitational force will increase. But in the early phases, how do you prevent the bulldozers from just floating into space?
3. There are, of course, various theories about how our current planet was “built.” Some believe it was just a random lucky set of conditions–a cosmic lottery winner. You have just the right temperature range, water, evolution and BAM! next thing you know Times Square appears. Others believe that the Earth was created by God (or Gods or Deities of one sort or another). I realize that this is a gross simplification–there are countless faiths each with their own cosmological story–but for now let’s just classify them as the “not random” school. Either way, the challenges to IBM are mind-blowing. Does IBM think it can replicate the perfect conditions for life; can it guess a lottery number whose odds are 999 million-gazillion-squllion-to-one? Does it have billions of years to tinker with the conditions until it gets them right and single-celled protozoa materialize out of a bolt of lightning? Or does IBM think it can pull this off with the same speed and ease as beating Garry Kasparov in a chess match?  What’s more of a concern: Does IBM think it is God (or a Deity or Gods)? Will IBM build this planet in six days? They usually take six months just to write a requirements document for a relatively simple thing like an ecommerce web site.
4. Who will govern this planet? If IBM builds a new planet, is it still also an earth-based corporation? Will it pay taxes on income from this new planet? How about all these mid-sized business that IBM says are the “engines” of this new planet?
5. Will this new planet have a new ozone layer with no holes in it?
6. Who will be allowed to immigrate to this new “smarter” planet? Will there be a test? If Jerry Springer somehow gets in, isn’t that going to ruin everything?
7. Is IBM saying the Earth is stupid?

For those who don’t follow sports news, here is a brief recap. Roger Clemens has been accused of having taken performance enhancing drugs during part of the time he was a star Major League Baseball pitcher. The initial accusations came in a report issued by former Senator George Mitchell whose special commission investigated all claims of steroid use by Major League Baseball players. Additionally, Clemens’ trainer, Brian McNamee has testified that he injected Clemens with steroids. McNamee even kept the hypodermic syringes and turned them over to investigators who found Clemens’ DNA on the needles. Nevertheless, Clemens denies ever taking performance enhancing drugs (most of which are now banned by Major League Baseball, but were not during most of Clemens active career). Clemens is now under investigation by a Federal grand jury for perjury allegedly committed when he testified before Congress in February 2008.

Earlier this week, after more than a year of  silence, Clemens went on ESPN Radio and again insisted that he has never taken performance enhancing drugs. Interestingly, he said, “Brian McNamee never injected me with steroids or HGH.” The interviewers, Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic of the “Mike & Mike” show completely blew it by not following up that statement with questions like, “Did Brian McNamee ever inject you with any substance?” It’s possible that someone else gave Clemens his steroids, but McNamee gave him the female fertility drug (the one for which Manny Ramirez tested positive) that players use to try to mask the steroids. Another follow-up might have been, “Did anyone ever inject you with steroids or HGH?” But it seems ESPN is sympathetic to Clemens,  getting down on bended knee for his new Public Relations firm. Greenberg later said he thought he did a fair interview, “straight down the middle”, in his words. I agree it was right down the middle, like a softball pitch. Still Clemens whiffed because the entire setup was bogus. He tried to make it sound like the timing of the interview was based on the fact that he was about to go on vacation and not really directly related to the book American Icon: The Fall of Roger Clemens and the Rise of Steroids in America’s Pastime that was released the same day. Clemens only wanted to chat with his buddies “Greeny” and “Golie” (as he called them during the interview). “Book? What book? Oh yeah, I heard something about it but it’s all garbage.”  I wonder if Greeny and Golie vote for MLB Hall of Fame candidates. I hope not.

The doozy of the interview was Clemens claim that he has a family history of heart disease and it would be “suicidal” for him to take dangerous steroids (as if steroid and other drug users think about long-term consequences when they’re shooting up). Part of his claim to having a family history of heart disease was, he said, “My stepfather had a heart attack.” Now THOSE are some powerful genes.

The family history revelations prompted me to do my own exhaustive investigations into Clemens’ family history of heart disease. Here’s what I found:

• Clemens’ golf caddy’s cousin lives next door to a guy who had a heart attack
• Clemens’ friend Dick Cheney has had 97 heart attacks and has 12 pace makers and 8 diesel-powered backup pacemakers and a Clemens’ autographed defibrilator that he keeps in Rush Limbaugh’s broadcast booth
• When he drives to a local high school to pitch batting practice, Clemens drives by the Baylor Heart Clinic and they have loads of people in there with heart disease
• 28% of Texans who die each year die of heart disease and .0000000001 % of Texans become seven-time Cy Young award winners; do the math
• Clemens’ vacation house, which has no contact whatsoever with the outside world, especially information about new books written by veteran investigative journalists from the New York Daily News, was built by a guy who later had a heart attack; and now the place has plumbing problems–scary stuff, so you know there’s NO WAY Clemens would be taking any dangerous steroids or HGH out there
• Jose Canseco has not had a heart attack, but he got his brains beat in by  5’9″ sportscaster Vai Sikahema in the first round of a celebrity boxing match; When Clemens reaches his desperate years he wants to be able to at least go at least two rounds against Sikahema, so you know there’s NO WAY he would ever touch any dangerous drugs!

(Note: Mike Missanelli, if you don’t know, is the afternoon “drive time” host on the 950 ESPN sports radio station in Philadelphia)

Hey Mike,

I was listening to your show today on the way home from work and I was intrigued by your simulated baseball competition that pits an all-white team vs. an all-black team vs. an all-latino team. It’s an interesting exercise to be sure, but I  do have some questions about your methodology.

Why pick teams based on the U. S. Census classification system? And if you’re going to use that system, why is there no all-Asian team? After all, Japan has won two consecutive World Baseball Classics (playing vs. Korea in this year’s final).

I would also like to know if you put Negro League players on your all-black team? It seems unfair to put Walter “Big Train” Johnson on the all-white team since he played in a segregated league. Was “Double Duty” Radcliffe on the all-black team? (I looked on the 950 ESPN web site, but couldn’t find it-why do sports radio stations have such crappy web sites? You guys couldn’t just put your stuff on the excellent ESPN.com site?)

Even so, there are so many rich possibilities for this kind of fantasy baseball system. Here are a few:

• All guys named Joe (I’m off to a good start here with DiMaggio and Morgan) vs. All guys named Bob (this team could claim variations, such as Roberto Clemente). There are a few other names you could probably build good teams around, such as Mike, Steve, John, George (Babe Ruth and George Brett is a good start) and Bill/Willie; these would, of course accept players with these same names in other languages.

• An all-Domincan team (All-Puerto Rican? All-Cuban? The all Japanese team has already won it twice in real life so no need to simulate with them)
• An all MLB brothers team (Molina, Cruz, Niekro, Giambi, Forsch, Drew, etc.) vs. all others
• An intra-USA competition based on the state in which the player was born
• Chewing Tobacco vs. Sunflower Seeds
• Time-based (e.g. All pre-1950 vs. all post-1950)
• Yankees vs. the best of the non-Yankees
• Best players who have won a World Series vs. Best Players who have never won a World Series (e.g. Alex Rodriguez)
• Clean-shaven vs. Facial Hair
• Best players of one year vs. another (e.g 1927 vs. 1975)

I’m sure the Elias Sports Bureau could supply you with about 8000 other matchups.  Now you have some good time-fillers for a couple of years of dog days.

Sincerely,

–Chris Hiester

P. S. Check out my article on “Chooch” vs. “Chucha”

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With the World Series between my hometown Philadelphia Phillies and the Tampa Bay Rays happening so close to the Presidential election, I can help but confabulate them in my mind. Philadelphia hasn’t won a professional sports championship since 1983. Each of the four major sports teams (Flyers, Sixers, Phillies and Eagles) have made it to the finals, but none has won it all since the ’83 Sixers with Moses Malone and Dr. J.

Pennsylvania has also not gone to a Republican Presidential candidate for the last four elections. This time around, it will be five in a row for the Democrats. Obama will take Pennsylvania. To win PA, you have to win Philadelphia and Pittsburgh. Obama will win both big cities (Philadelphia and Allegheny counties) by a huge margin, so large that it won’t matter much what happens in the rest of the state (OK, add the densely populated bobo suburbs and it won’t matter that McCain wins the 55 rural counties in PA)

Will the Phillies also continue the pattern of losing in the championship? I like their chances of winning for a lot of reasons (the exact opposite reasons I cited in my criticism of the team when they were slumping earlier in the season). I keep hearing commentators and sports writers say “Jimmy Rollins sets the table.” I hate that metaphor.  The truth is Jimmy Rollins sets the agenda; he sets the tone. He is literally the leader of this team. He bats first. When he scores, they usually win. Whether he hits a lead-off home run (as he did in the elimination playoff games against the Brewers and the Dodgers) or walks or gets a hit, when he’s on base the Phillies chances of winning are better than they are with him in the dugout. Rollins may write the plan for success, but it’s Ryan Howard who executes it. Rollins may be the President of this company, but Howard is the Chairman and CEO. How does a player lead the league in strikeouts and errors for his position and also lead the league in home runs and RBI? He’s larger than life. He’ll need to drive in runs for the Phillies to win. Shane Victorino has surprisingly carried the load in RBI with 11 thus far in the postseason. Toward the end of the Dodgers series, Howard was getting a lot of hits–singles and doubles. The Phillies may hit a few long balls, but everyone knows that to win the World Series you have to have great pitching and you have to manufacture runs. If the top of the order gets on base and moves runners into scoring position, singles and doubles by Howard will get runs in and the Phillies will win–that is, if their pitching holds up.

The Phillies pitching has been good throughout the playoffs with the exception of Jamie Moyer, who lost twice. However, Cole Hamels and Brett Myers have had plenty of bad games this year. If they can hold the Rays to three runs or less, I like the Phillies chances. If they have an off day and give up six or seven runs, I’ll be worried. The Phillies have the bats to win games 12-10, but you can’t depend on out-slugging the other team when your pitchers are throwing slow-motion pomegranates right down the middle of the plate. That’s like being one of those basketball teams that wins by hitting 60% of their 3-pointers. The problem is no team can do that four times in a seven-game series.  The Phillies aren’t going to score double-digit runs in four of these games. They’ll need to win a few games 2-1 or 3-2. Their pitching will need to shut down the Rays. They’ll need to play small-ball and use their speed to steal bases and capitalize on sacrifices.

The World Series is going to be close. Obama might as well cheer for the Rays. He’s going to have a harder time winning Florida than Pennsylvania.

UPDATE: 10/22/2008

It’s now been NINE days since Microsoft said that they would  initiate a payment to me in approximately 7 days.  Apparently the margin of error in their approximation is greater than plus or minus two days. So much for Microsoft as a company that’s all about precision. When is the approximate release date of Windows 7? Let’s review: Microsoft’s Live Search cashback program advertises that it will refund a percentage of the price of a purchase made via live.com within 60 days. It has been 70 days since I made my purchase and I haven’t seen dick from Microsoft. I followed all of their instructions carefully. Maybe they’re delivering the cash in a burlap sack (all nickels) via donkey from Redmond to Omaha. Yo, Microsoft: Give me my stinkin’ money!

On August 14th, 2008 I bought a Nintendo Wii system on ebay via Microsoft Live Search cashback. I was offered 25% cash back. I would just have to wait 60 days until the funds were available to me. A few weeks ago I decided to check my cashback account to see how long I would have to wait to collect my savings. The cashback site said that the funds would be available on October 13th, 2008. If you count from August 14th (not counting the 14th–using the 15th as day 1), then October 13th is the 60th day from August 14th. So on October 13th I logged into my cashback account and what did it say? My funds would be available on October 14th. OK. No problem. It’s just one day.Alas, today is October 14th. So I log in and find that my funds are available. I choose to redeem them via Paypal (the only option). How long would you expect it to take Microsoft to make a payment to my Paypal account? My freelance clients who pay me via Paypal send me payments that I see literally minutes after they enter the payment in Paypal. So you can imagine I was a little surprised to receive this message from Microsoft:

Microsoft will initiate a payment to you in approximately 7 days.

I have to wait seven more days? This cashback refund which is supposed to be paid back in 60 days is actually (we’ll see) paid back in 68 days. That gives Microsoft an extra eight days to hang on to my money. Greedy, lying bastards.

Last night at Van Colln memorial fields where the Fairmount Sports Association baseball games are played, there was lots of discussion about a thread on Phillyblog regarding controversy in the championship of the boys 6-9 little league. I was hoping to read the thread on PhillyBlog, but found that PhillyBlog was down this morning when I visited. I did a search and found that there is a pattern of this site being down in the morning.

My son plays on one of the teams that played for the championship and I’m hoping I can contribute some of my observations to the discussion.

PhillyBlog is back online and it feels good to get this off my chest.