hiester.com

With all the hoopla over the NFL draft, I’m amazed that there haven’t been more creative attempts to profit from all the publicity. Here are some ideas for next year:

* DraftFlakes Breakfast Cereal – The box could feature photos of flakes like Roger Goodell, Drew Rosenhaus and fans who actually attend the draft in person.  There are so many NFL-related flakes, it would  be difficult to fit them all on the box. The cereal would be made up of small brown football flakes and huge green $ sign flakes. But here’s the best part. You can’t just go to the store and buy this box of cereal. Nooooooooooooooo. You have to first buy a PCBL, a Persnal Cereal Box License for $14,000. Only then do you have the right to buy the cereal for the estimated retail price of $12.99.

* Draft Beer Specials – A creative sports bar owner could cook up a scheme where the “first round” of beers purchased during the ten-minute window of the first pick would be priced really high. Let’s say the beer costs $50. Nobody would buy it, right? But, you could configure it so anyone buying a first round beer has a chance to win $250. As with the draft, there are no guarantees. Subsequent picks would be cheaper and the potential prizes less, except that once in a while  a lower round beer could win a very large price, let’s say $1000(think Tom Brady, a 6th round draft selection).  Customers could declare their table their “war room” (or as with the case of a pharmaceutical company I did work for–they made us rename our project meeting/scrum room from “war room” to “opportunity room”) and negotiate with other tables based on their prognostication that a certain round has been light on prizes, in which case they would trade up to that round.  I haven’t worked out all the details yet. There are probably bars that do this, but I don’t go to bars anymore so I wouldn’t know–and the only news I hear about bars is when people get shot inside of them, which happens too often here in Philadelphia.

* Sweepstakes – some product targeting the male 12-70 year-old demographic could hold a sweepstakes. Grand prize would be a chance for the winner and five friends to carry Mel Kiper down Broadway in an NFL-themed sedan chair, then sit with Mel durin the draft while he tells you exactly who is going to be drafted next–through all seven rounds– with 100% accuracy.  Given that his year-round job is to blab about the draft, make up mock drafts, inform us who is “sliding” and whose stock is rising, he should be able to get it right. Otherwise, it would be like Santa Claus leaving the wrong gifts for kids all over the world.

Troubled Assets

Toxic Assets

Caustic Assets

Corrosive Assets

Poisoned Assets

Explosive Assets

Flammable Assets

Polluted Assets

Dangerous Assets

Hazardous Assets

Dumb Assets

Dumb Ass Assets

Stupid Assets

Foolish Assets

Worthless Assets

Invisible Assets

Tasteless, Odorless Assets

Impotent Assets

Depressed Assets

Hopeless Assets

Phantom Assets

The Assets Formerly Known as “Assets”

Other People’s Assets

Sucker Assets

Chump Assets

Pain in the Assets

Deeply Troubled Assets

Disturbed Assets

Deranged Assets

Neurotic Assets

Psychotic Assets

Catatonic Assets

Borderline Assets

Oppositional-Defiant-Narcissistic Assets

Existential Assets

Diseased Assets

Malignant Assets

Disfigured Assets

Terminal Assets

Tortured Assets

“Alternative” Assets

“Enhanced” Assets

Daredevil Assets

“Loose Cannon” Assets

Spontaneously Combustible Assets

Radioactive Assets

Withering Assets

Irrational Assets

Erratic Assets

Unpredictable Assets

Chaotic Assets

Inconsistent Assets

Arbitrary Assets

Impoverished Assets

Bullshit Assets

Depleted Assets

Anemic Assets

Unknown Assets

Unfamiliar Assets

Creepy Assets

Scary Assets

Dead Assets

Petrified Assets

Dirty Assets

Filthy Assets

Soiled Assets

Assets You Wouldn’t Take Home to your Mother

Distorted Assets

Elusive Assets

Hollow Assets

Holographic Assets

Simulated Assets

Pseudo-Assets

Pre-shrunk Assets

Faded Assets

Stoned Assets

Drunk Assets

Hallucinogenic Assets

Idiopathic Assets

Cryptogenic Assets

Whacked Assets

Lost Assets

Wandering Assets

Starving Assets

Lifeless Assets

Lethargic Assets

Phlegmatic Assets

Deceptive Assets

Lying Assets

Dishonest Assets

Bad Faith Assets

Strangled Assets

Charred Assets

Feeble Assets

Tragic Assets

Theoretical Assets

Hypothetical Assets

Bilious Assets

Jaundiced Assets

Village Idiot Assets

Stinky Assets

Yucky Assets

Poopy Assets

FUBAR Assets

SNAFU Assets

WTF? Assets

Phillies’ comeback win over Braves had a certain ring to it

According to North Korea(via AP), “The satellite is transmitting the melodies of the immortal revolutionary paeans ‘Song of Gen. Kim Il Sung’ and ‘Song of Gen. Kim Jong Il’”.

They sound a little watery to me, like they’re transmitting from the bottom of the ocean. I guess they’ll have to try again.

I make this joke only because of the well-written, but ultimately ludicrous article  on ESPN comparing the firing of Kentucky basketball coach Billy Clyde Gillespie to the Obama Administration’s forcing out of General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner.