hiester.com

Justices Reject D.C. Ban On Handgun Ownership

Where do I sign up for my local militia? I’m very concerned about our nation being invaded and toppled because our weak, unarmed citizenry will not be able to mount a defense.

And to the guy holding up the sign that said, “If guns kill, do pens misspell words?” I reply: Ask any emergency room surgeon how many misspelled words victims they treated today, or ever.

Agenda:

1. Spending a lot of money to prolong a campaign that has no chance of winning
2. Dividing the fan base
3. What to do while you’re sitting on the sidelines watching the big contest in the fall

If you’re going to make a list of heresies, you don’t put 10 items on it. You have to put 13 items on it. 13 is a heretical number. I don’t even want to spend much time on how naive and phony WIRED‘s list is. They present a set of false choices, such as picking a hybrid versus buying an old used car (how about not having a car at all or at least cutting your driving by 80% or more–that would reduce carbon output more than anything WIRED recommends). Another bogus point is that air-conditioning emits less carbon than heating. Duh, WIRED, consider that most people in the USA have to both heat AND cool their homes. A better idea is to conserve as much as possible; insulate better, keep your house a little cooler in the winter and a little warmer in the summer. Why quibble over whether “organic” cows produce less beef and fart more than their “conventional” bovine brethren. The better suggestion is to STOP EATING BEEF or at least cut down a whole lot. Those aren’t provocative topics that can divert a person’s attention to a magazine on a newsstand (with content that is so weak that it requires a neon orange background), so WIRED dismisses the more commonsense and ultimately even less convenient truths about climate change. If we want to reduce carbon emissions, we’re going to have to give up our gigantic SUV’s, our bacon-double-cheeseburgers and our sprawling McMansions.

My true goal here, however, is to help WIRED fulfill its act of heresy against the green movement(actually, my goal is to poke fun at the numbskulls at WIRED who wrote the article, but play along) Hence, here are my three additional WIRED-style “green heresies” that will bring their number up to the very sinister total of 13.

11) Buy Lots of Cigarettes – Think about it. Tobacco is a plant. Plants absorb CO2. If thousands and thousands of additional acres of tobacco were planted, think of all the carbon that would be kept out of the atmosphere. What’s that you’re thinking? When you smoke the cigarette, it just puts the carbon right back in the atmosphere? Well, you wouldn’t actually smoke them, silly (I suppose you could and still be “carbon neutral”, and, hey, since curbing carbon is our number one goal, we’ll have to make a few sacrifices to our health to get there). Carbon-cutting citizens could put all those packs of cigarettes into crawl spaces and attics for insulation. Americans are accustomed to buying lots of stuff we don’t need (and that we’ll never use) and then letting it all sit around and clutter up our homes, so this won’t require any change in behavior and it would be great for the economy!

12) Be Even More of a Couch Potato – When you boil it all down, it’s human activity that is causing global warming. Want to cut carbon emissions? Then just stop doing so much. Every time you come up with something to do, you’re suddenly spewing out carbon like nobody’s business. You jump in your car and you buy stuff that had to be shipped halfway across the earth and it was made with oil and other natural resources that burned up tons of hydrocarbons to get to the store in your local strip mall. Here’s a better idea: sit on the floor in the dark. If you’re worried about obesity from lack of exercise, try a seaweed diet. Homegrown seaweed. There you have it, WIRED’s recipe for reversing carbon emissions: sit in the dark and eat seaweed that you grow in your swimming pool.

13) Cancel your subscription to WIRED.

Imagine a basketball league. Let’s give this hypothetical league a name. How about the Democratic Un-united Mudslinging Basketball Association, or DUMBASS for short. Now let’s consider two of the teams in this league. We’ll give our first hypothetical team the name “Clinton” and we’ll call our second team “Obama”.

So far so good. Imagine that DUMBASS scheduled these two teams to play each other in Michigan in April. Suppose that the owner of the arena in Michigan demanded that the two teams play in January, not April. When the demand is made, DUMBASS (the league to which both teams belong) makes it very clear that if the game in Michigan is played in January, the game will not count. So the Obama team thinks, “well if our league says that the game is not going to count, then why should we even show up? We could spend our time and energy getting ready for our other games.” Team Clinton, however, shows up at the game, puts five players on the court against zero players for Obama. Clinton wins the game 300-0.

What do you know, here we are in June and Team Clinton is just one victory short of qualifying for the championship. They’re in second place behind Obama. They don’t want to be in second place, so they appeal to DUMBASS to allow the Michigan game to count. So DUMBASS wimps out and decides to give each team half a victory in the Michigan game. The Clinton team realizes that half a victory won’t get them to the championship because they’re a whole game behind Obama in the standings.

What’s a team to do? Team Clinton then asks DUMBASS to come up with a new way to decide which team it will send to the championship. Instead of counting wins and losses, let’s add up all the points that both teams have scored during the season and whichever team scored more total points, regardless of wins and losses, will go to the championship. “Count every point!”, is their motto.

Even with their 300-point fake victory, they still don’t have enough points to win. I guess they’ll have to appeal to the DUMBASS “credentials committee.”

It’s hard to imagine a political party screwing things up worse than the Republicans have done for the last eight years, but I’m beginning to think the Democrats are up the challenge.