hiester.com

DISCLAIMER: This is a joke. I am not really advocating drinking alcohol or drunk driving. I am vehemently against drunk driving and I am appalled that celebrity millionaires are so stupid and reckless that they get behind the the wheel drunk when they can easily afford to taxis, limousines, motorcades, etc. END OF DISCLAIMER
Here’s the pitch: You have celebrities who have DUI arrests. There are lots of them. They get drunk on their favorite booze, get in their favorite car (with industry-standard demolition derby protective gear) and smash into each other.

Imagine the sponsorship possibilities! Nicole Richie downs four or five very prominently displayed Stoli’s and Red Bull, gets her helmet and padded suit and is five-point-harnessed into a 2007 Ford Mustang. Dontrelle Willis – Ketel One – Cadillac Escalade. Trey Anastasio pops a few Xanax, eats two pints of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food and enters the ring in a 1969 VW Bus. The entire cast of LOST has a Blue Sapphire martini bash and piles into a stretch Hummer. Last car or driver moving or conscious wins!

Most TV commercials are for cars or alcohol, or involve celebrities, so the ads would sell out fast. Have you watched an NFL Footbal game lately. The ads are like this: Beer Ad – Car Ad – Beer Ad – Car Ad – Beer Ad – Car Ad. Is it any wonder that drunk driving is still so prevalent?

After failing to consummate a trade for Allen Iverson, the Philadelphia 76ers sent him to their NBA Development League affiliate Fort Worth Flyers. In his first game for the Flyers, Iverson’s stat line read: 100 points, 100 assists, 100 steals, 100 rebounds, making him the first player in history to earn a “Quadruple-Triple” in the Flyers 347-63 win over the Arkansas Rimrockers.

Iverson was sent back on his forced vacation after the team decided that he did not need any further development. However, Sixers chairman Ed Snider did announce that he is sending General Manager Billy King to Fort Worth for some GM development. “We’re going back to the fundamentals. Billy is going to work on some trades of undrafted kids, maybe some role players. We think with a little bit of work on his game, Billy will get back to trading at a high enough level to work out a deal with a superstar like Allen Iverson,” Snider explained.

The game was historic as it was probably the last taste of victory this winter for anyone a) associated with the Philadelphia 76ers; and b) associated with any team called the “Flyers”

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Just one day after reporting that Lance Armstrong had been chosen as the new “Yellow Wiggle” in the Australian kiddie-supergroup, hiester.com has learned that the Armstrong deal fell through and The Wiggles traded Greg to the Teletubbies for Laa-Laa, the Yellow Teletubby.
Armstrong reportedly failed a blood-sugar test–not enough blood sugar. Blue Wiggle Anthony Field was apparently furious to learn that Armstrong was not a sugar fiend. “Look, if you want to entertain hyperactive kids, you’ve got to prepare yourself. You have to get jacked up on the same stuff they’re on. Do you think I would do that stupid pointing business if I didn’t down four cotton candies and half a case of pop rocks before the show?,” Field exclaimed. “Mr. Big Shot Seven-Time Tour de France champion thought he could come in here and treat us like domestiques. We get about 90 minutes to win over three-year-olds with ADHD with singing, dancing, acting, acrobatics and riding in our big red car. This guy is used to three weeks on a bicycle cheered on by a bunch of beaujolais-swilling, foie gras stuffed vacationers.”

A senior Wiggles management official who asked to remain anonymous said a press conference announcing the trade would be held later today. “It was a perfect fit. Greg can continue to perform since it’s normal for the Teletubbies to fall down–even faint. He’ll be able to pace himself. For Laa-Laa, this is a great opportunity to advance his career and maybe even learn a few words.”